What Will Never Be

What Will Never Be

Thull snorts dramatically so that I may be aware of his discomfort.He repeats himself and stamps his hoof in the ground,digging into the frozen dirt to emphasize his restlessness.
Laughing, I lean forward,and search for that spot behind his left ear that calms him when the need presents itself.
As war horses go,he is a bit smaller than most, yet more thickly muscled. Still,there is no other that I would ride into any a melee with,as his eagerness in battle and his sure surefootedness has saved me countless times.
He seems to have a natural pose in heated conflict. A battlefield instinct as it were. He yearns to be on the field of honor,to wade into the melee in a berserker's fury, he finds the very center of battle,longing to be in the midst of the fray, as is the place where we are at our best.
All this to explain why,for one not skittish of anything,he is in a constant state of readiness,on his guard,darting his head this way and that at the slightest noise, or to snort angrily at the scurrying rats or squalling birds. Ever vigilant,unable to relax and simply enjoy the falling snow. At this he whinnies his frustration, only this time he shakes his long black mane for emphasis.
Shaking my head in a mocking gesture,I slide off his back,to face him as I rub his cheek in an attempt to ease his fears.
" I know,old friend," I say as I scratch between his eyes,"it is an indulgence of mine that you grant, to tear you way from the warmth of the stables, and for this I thank you, and as such,we shall return,soon,I promise. For it would not be a proper state function without the great protector of her royal bottom to not parade in the great hall in this pretty garment more suited for a woman, now would it? But, indulge me, just a time more, old friend."
But, he was more truthful to our outing than I. For it was for the protection of her royal bottom that I slipped away from the maddening throng to inspect the castle grounds. My own minds well being that I eluded the dignitaries,foreign ministers and invited guests to make my way out the secret gate, to creep along the outer defences. Then once satisfied, to return onto the castle grounds to speak with the patrolling sentries,( my own hand picked men), for a quick report of the day so far. Only to hear nothing out of course,and to spend a few moments speaking of the recent games of which one of the men came away as winner of many of the events.Then making my rounds further, coming upon the main gate. To drink spiced ale and speak with the old gate keeper. A bull of a man with a hard countenance. His face and arms crisscrossed with the paths of hungry swords he had met over his lifetime. Hard, intimidating and a bit frightening to look at. Only to have it all melt away as he spoke of the children of his son, and with a sparkle in his eye inform me of their inches and illnesses.

All seemed well, and my fears were alleviated, for now. But the actual benefit was to be out in the real world,with real friends,friends of the sword. Men with whom I drew blood, and who spilled their blood for she and I.
As such, on this day assuredly,on one of their holiest of days, I would not hear of any formalities, no salute of title. No, no formalities to be uttered here,as in truth I feel such all the days I stand with my men, and this day most true, for I am as my men, I am but a servant, a servant for her.
We finished our round of the battlements,Thull and I,which brought us near the trade road which leads north east, away from the outer courtyard, where we found no trace of plot nor assassin to profit from the joyous revelry booming from within the walls of the mighty keep.

All is calm.

Nearing the end of my patrol,it came to pass that we found ourselves along the path that follows the ridge that extends along from the west side of the castle north westward to over look the village below,along with a small view of the western forest that butts up against a few small farms that separate the northern part of the village from the forest itself.
Here, a clearing in woods holds a panoramic view of all. Here is a place I know well. A place she childishly refers to as 'Our Place'.

A place that, in any time of year be it the warm green afternoons of summer,or wrapped in the pure white cloak such as in this time of Yule, we would come. To steal a few moments of time for ourselves, to play the games that lovers play.
For here,the trappings of state can be discarded, as we stand reduced to that which matters most. I her 'darlin' boy",she my lady.
A smile tugged at my lips as I led Thull to the fallen log she had me drag to this very spot, to sand and carve so her Queenly bottom would not be soiled by the dark earth of this wood, now covered in fresh snow.
Here I stood, gazing out over the freshly fallen snow in the valley,lost in thoughts of summers gone by,when movement along the wood line held my attention.
Bursting from the wood came a giant,easily treading the snow with a expert gate. Dragging a Yule tree in one bear like hand,nigh slowing his advance as he made his way. His massive frame obvious even at this distance,with powerful legs and massive shoulders.
And upon his shoulders rode a tiny,precious package. A sprite, rosy cheeked and squealing with laughter.Seemingly without fear, transversing the distance so high above the gleaming white fields, as she was astride the giant, hugging and kissing his cheek. A delicate and beautiful melody, gently caressing my ears.
The giant of a farmer roared in laughter as well, turning his face to kiss the tiny one,easily managing the snow drifts, as he walked to a farm house near by.
With all his bulk and bearishness, it was obvious that he was tender and delicate with the little package on his shoulders.Revealing the deep love he had for his daughter. And in understanding this, a sudden tightness in my chest assailed me, and I found it somewhat difficult to breath.
The pair drew near a farmhouse,and in the back door of the simple abode, a woman, already in her nightshirt,stood to greet the two.
I could see smoke curling up from the smokestack and my mind imagined good things cooking in the hearth, as the woman walked barefoot in the snow, to take the sprite from the giants shoulders.
Together with smiles and laughter the three entered the house, and left me alone in the frozen woods.
A tear froze on my face,and as I drug the back of my hand across my face,I cursed Loki for making me act as a woman would, but the tear soon was not alone. My chain mail was suddenly too heavy for me to bare, and I sank to my knees beside of the log I had once cherished as a place of sanctuary.
Playing out before my eyes,a cruel and terrible jest by Loki most assuredly, for he was their god of evil jest,was he not? A moment from a life,the life I was to be denied.The joys I sought,but would never find.
Understanding this brought me to another realization, which was, it was the very same life,which would be denied her as well.

I had failed to ensure my Queen the life she so richly deserved,failed in  protecting her from the obligations and duties her position held, and in doing so, was the very instrument of that which would deny her the life she should have had.I was the evil which destroyed her life.
I roared at the gods,raised my fist in defiance to those who would play a cruel trick as this to one who was so devoted to them.
But only Thull was there to hear, and I fell back to my knees and without any other recourse,wept like a child at what I had done.
After but a few moments, I sat upon the log bench I had made for us, and cleaning off my face, thanked Mitra that she was not around to see her lover act as child would.

" Ah but darlin boy, the lovely and wise goddess,Mitra, only grants prayer from those worthy of her love. Do not expect the mother of us all to grant the mewings of lowly stable hands."
Through my tears,she made me smile. Stable boy I was, and she a very naughty princess. I had braved death to lay in the fields with her,braved the wrath of her father the High King himself, who wanted to stretch my neck when we were discovered. Even after hearing his verdict, to the point of looking him in the eye with no intention of backing down.
  As luck would have it,fate made him a man of strange convictions and cunning of mind,and in the face of his daughters rage and defiance, deemed it best to train me in the ways of a squire as send me to the gallows.
But I would face him again in foreknowledge of death, than look into her face right now.

She took my face in her hands,I tried to pull away, but she would have none of that, and turned me to look up at her. Angel on earth I beheld,and emotion washed over me again.
I tried to speak, wanted to explain,but with a gentle brush of my lips she held me silent.Her kiss was warm and invigorating.
She brushed off the snow from the bench and had me sit, as she took her place and sat on my lap. Drawing her cloak about us both,she once again held my face in her soft hands, and smothered me with more of her gentle kisses. Her breath hot and ragged,here away from all, she could do with me as she pleased, but yet,she held herself and drew back from me. For a long moment she gazed into my eyes,into my soul,cleaning the tears from my face with the ends of her cloak,then she held my face to her bosom and told me this.
"Our lives are not our own on this plane of existence,my darlin' boy,they are governed and regimented by nature and state, but, there are times such as this, fleeting moments that we can steal and hold close. All be it only to have them yanked away with some tragedy or alarm sending us back to rank and duty. Such is the lot we chose.
However, here,now,we have this time to us,my lovely stable boy. I am in your arms,and I plan on being no where else.
So let us hold one another and dream,dream of a life denied us, live a fantasy of a life we shall never know, but understand this,after the fiction ends,I will still be here,and I will still be in love with you. So, no matter what cruel fate life has in store for us,know that I am here with you,I am here for you,and Ill be damned if I am going to be anywhere else. Just cherish with me in the knowledge that right here,right now,is all we need."
She pulled off the cloak to stand, and sit again upon my lap in a most unlady like fashion,facing me. Drawing her cloak back around us,she said one thing more.
" So weep no more,my darlin boy,rejoice in this beautiful time of Yule, come sing and dance with me in the great hall,let us live for the moment,and if there be tongues wagging on the 'morrow, spiced ale will be to blame for our actions. And if that be not convincing for the noble dignitaries in attendance, then the noble dignitaries and go fuck themselves!"